I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
