Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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