Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
