I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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