Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
