never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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