Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
