I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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