I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
