When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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