My friends, they love my intelligence
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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