I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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