The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
