the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
