My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
