I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
