wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
