There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
