He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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