Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
