No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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