in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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