Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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