How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
there's paper in my vomit.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
