Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
worst night to have a conscience
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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