apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
