Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
