I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
