I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
