wanna go halves on a baby?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize