Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dick very happy bro
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
