Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
