I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
