kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
