Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
