my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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