I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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