My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
