we have officially lost it.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
