i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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