put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
