That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
