checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I made him laugh his dick is mine
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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