Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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