I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
