Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
