If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
