My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize