Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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