Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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