yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
