Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
