Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
