If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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