Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
