I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize