Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
