I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
