Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
vagina is talking i cant
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
